Santa Claus and Disappointment

Jack is nine years old. He'll be ten in two months. And he has always been a "'Twas Night Before Christmas"-thumping, card-carrying believer in Santa Claus. He is SO into the myth and helps make Christmas time so much fun for Andrew and me. But for the past couple of years, he's had his fair share of questions. Apparently there has been chatter on the school bus and amongst his friends. He has asked us point-blank several times if Santa is real. "Of course!" we always have said. How could we not?

Complicating this issue is the solemn promise I made to my son years ago: that I would never lie to him. And it is this promise that has lead me to be his main confidante. As a matter of fact, rarely does a week go by that he doesn't call me into his room after bedtime when the lights are off. And it's ALWAYS when the lights are off. Which pleases me because it seems much easier to concentrate on the conversation when I don't have to pay attention to what my face and eyes are saying.

We have tackled some tough issues, he and I, in the dark. Peer pressure, body changes, sexuality. And I love that he comes to me.

In the back of my mind I always knew I'd have to explain this lie when the Santa truth came out.
And then yesterday after school he got on the computer to research model airplanes. He got one from Santa this year and has enjoyed it so much that he wants to save his money for another. In the midst of his research he found a slew of model web sites that had been bookmarked by Santa Daddy during Christmas shopping reseach. So he asked Andrew once again if it wasn't his parents who were Santa. Andrew artfully dodged the question somehow and then came to me and said he thought it was time to tell him. That we had been lucky to get through one more Christmas with him as a believer. But that it was time.

So after putting the girls to bed, we went to his room where he was happily reading. This was the conversation, almost verbatim:

Me: Remember how I've always told you I'll never lie to you?
Jack: Yes. (curiosity piqued)
Me: Well, there something we've told you that isn't true and we want to tell you the truth now. And I think that after you hear me out you'll understand why we said what we said.
Jack: Oh yeah?
Me: Can you imagine something we've told you about that might be untrue?
Jack: (Without hesitation) The Easter Bunny? Because I just cannot imagine a bunny coming to your house and chucking eggs in it.
Me: Right. It's us. And we told you that because we want to make you happy while you were young enough to believe in magic and while you have the amazing imagination of a young child. Can you think of anything else?
Jack: (eyes darkening a little) The tooth fairy?
Me: Right. Anything else?
Jack: (clearly becoming agitated and eyes filling with tears) Leprechauns?
Me: Right. Anything else?
Jack: (tears running down cheeks now, and he's vigorously shaking his head)
Me: (hugging him tight, mad at myself for doing this to him) You know what else don't you?
Jack: (nodding and sobbing now)

So that's how it went down. I cried. Andrew's eyes filled with tears. And Jack's heart just about broke.

We explained that St. Nicholas had been a real man, who brought presents to children at Christmas time. He made children so happy that parents decided to do for their children what St. Nicholas could no longer do after he died. And that, just as his great-grandfather's spirit lives on in a very real way within Jack, St. Nick's spirit is alive in the hearts of many people. We explained that we BELIEVE in the spirit of Santa Claus very much. And that by carrying on Santa's tradition of gift-giving, we were instilling in him the joy of Christmas so that when he came to know the truth, he could experience a new kind of joy. The joy of the spirit of Christmas.

He listened very well and also promised us that he'd never tell other children the truth. That is was the responsibility of parents to determine when their children were ready. And he also promised to help his sisters to believe for as long as they could.

He asked about the elf footprints that he found outside in the snow on Christmas Eve. We told him that his Uncle Matt made them with baby shoes. He asked about an article he read on CNN that described how the US Air Force tracked Santa and his sleigh every Christmas. We told him that most everyone in our country tries to help children experience the magic.

So that's what happened last night at our house. I woke up many times during the night wondering if we had done the right thing by telling him. He SO wanted it to be real.

I still don't know today if what we did was right. But I do know is that a big part of the magic of childhood is gone for him. And the look I saw in his eyes the moment before turning his bedroom light off last night was new. It was almost the look I see in an adult's eyes at the end of a hard, non-magical day.

And I just hate that.