Thoughts on Mothers-in-Law

I've been thinking recently about mothers-in-law.  I think because someone with whom I'm very close is going through a tremendously rough time with hers.  And we've been talking about her experiences.  These discussions we've been having have got me thinking.  Thinking about the kind of mother-in-law I hope to be one day. 

It seems that the simplest relationship involving a mother-in-law is that with her son-in-law.  I rarely hear of troubles with that particular kind of relationship.  But the mother-in-law daughter-in-law relationship?  Now, that one can have some problems.  

Let me preface these thoughts of mine by saying that I have a wonderful MIL.  Andrew's mother is loving and kind.  She is very good to her children and grandchildren and loves us all tremendously.  She and Clara are pictured above, doing what they love to do best:  just being together.  In many respects, I am lucky in my MIL relationship.

My wonderful friend?  Not so much.  Her MIL is hateful to the very core.  My friend used to tell me stories about her MIL and I'd say, "Just give it some time.  She's adjusting.  Being a MIL is not easy."  So she waited...and things only got worse.  The MIL says hurtful things about her DIL to other relatives.  She posts mean things on Facebook.  She has called her vulgar names on multiple occasions.  And always in a sneaky, cowardly manner:  when she thinks she can get away with it without others finding out.

She has been caught in multiple and flagrant lies, too.  For instance, just recently the MIL responded to a thread on FB, involving her DIL, with one simple word:  BI***.  Now, everyone who had previously made a comment on that particular thread, including myself, received an email from Facebook, with a copy of this comment.  When asked about it, she denied it.  Flat out lied.  A grown woman!

And something that she did that was particularly hateful and seemed intended to be destructive to her son and DIL's relationship: she told the DIL that her son used to be happy, but since he married her, he has become unhappy and is not himself anymore.  What kind of mother and MIL does this?  And I should point out that her claim is so untrue, it is laughable.  While the past year's hardships with the MIL have indeed presented a challenge to this couple, and I do personally believe the the MIL is out to destroy their marriage, these trials have only made this loving couple stronger.  They are lucky though.  This is the kind of stress and grief that destroys marriages.

Worse, the woman clearly has some serious mental illness, and likely has for a long time.  She has even been kicked out of a public venue due to her irrational behavior.  All of her family members, close ones and more distant ones, acknowledge this in private to the son and DIL, but no one steps up to insist that she gets help.  So, she just continues to abuse and torture her DIL. 

Equally horrible is the fact that her own son is suffering tremendously.  He grieved about the situation for a long while, but now seems resigned.  Sad, defeated and resigned.  His recent experiences as an expectant and first-time father have been overshadowed with tension and sadness.  How could a mother do this to her son?

But in the end, it is the MIL who will suffer the most.  She will never have any kind of meaningful relationship with her son, her DIL, and perhaps most tragically, her grandchildren.  She has burned bridges that can never be rebuilt.  Both the son and DIL agree that she is too unstable to ever be left alone with the children.  And, as a matter of fact, they avoid seeing her at all.

Sad, sad, sad.

So...what are the qualities of a good MIL?  The kind of MIL I want to be when Jack makes me one...

1.  I will try to see my DIL through my son's eyes.  I will try to see her for the person with whom my son fell in love. 

2.  I will not let her religion, cultural background, educational background or philosophical background define her.    If she is a Japanese Buddhist who meditates half of the day, I will try to understand that.  I certainly will not ridicule it.  I will accept it and support her. 

3. I will not stop over on my whim.  I will always call first and respect their home as theirs.

4.  I will talk honestly, openly and humbly about miscommunication or conflict.  I will pursue resolution and that fact, in itself, will speak volumes.

5.  I will be responsive to my DIL's needs and feelings.  Even if I don't understand them.  Empathy is key.

6.  I will be flexible.  For instance, if they can't see us on Christmas, I will gracefully celebrate the holiday with them during the time surrounding the actual day. 

I will do all of these things because they are the right things to do.  I will do them so that I can have a fulfilling relationship with my DIL.  So that there is peace in the family.

But the most important reason for following the above rules is simple.  It is because I love my son.  And I would never want to disappoint him or hurt him, or, in any way, jeopardize my own relationship with him.